Jen's Voice:
When my husband and I were dating, 12 years ago, I remember one morning he was over at my apartment before work. (No, he hadn't slept there, he came over to…well, I can't even remember. But we didn't live together. He'd often come by in the mornings and we shared most meals together in the evening too.) Anyway, we were brushing our teeth in my bathroom and he said to me, with a mouthful of toothpaste, "Some day we'll be doing this in the nude." My silly 22 year old self thought that sounded great. We laughed and thought about how cool that would be, said goodbye, and went to work.
Well you know what? 12 years later, 10 years into our marriage, most days we're fighting over the one bathroom in our house so we can brush our teeth in private. The only time we ever see each other nude is when we…well…need to. If you get my drift. (Even that, really, you just need to be *partially* nude…and if the lights are out, that's a big bonus.)
All that to say, that *feeling*, that "Holy cow, we could do this naked and be married and have SO much fun" feeling, it wears off. There will come a time when you'll think "My gosh, if I have to look at that man one more second today…" and your thought won't really complete itself.
I think a lot of people go into the idea of wanting to be married thinking that it's always going to be like it is right now. In fact a celebrity (if I may use that term loosely) said recently of her broken engagement, "The best your marriage is going to be is how it is when you're dating" and the problem is that I think most people *believe* that, which accounts for not only the astronomical divorce rate, but the rampant desire (almost infatuation-ish) homosexuals have for marriage. They want what they feel NOW for the REST. OF. THEIR. LIVES.
That's simply not going to happen.
So here's the thing: marriage is HARD. Marriage takes work, every minute of every day. Marriage is not just about getting to brush your teeth in the nude with that person whenever you want. (Really, who wants that? Ick.) Marriage is not about fulfilling your sexual desires.
(I'll give that a minute to sink in.)
And that's where my opposition to gay marriage lies. Ask any homosexual and they'll say "But this is who I'm *attracted* to." They won't say "This is my soulmate" or "this is the person I can see myself growing old with" or anything else. They'll say "This is who I'm *attracted* to." Well. Bully for you. And I suppose, really, that that's my point. At some point, people, it is statistically probable that you will no longer be *attracted* to your spouse, whether heterosexual or otherwise. If that is your basis for wanting to be married, why should I grant you that "right". Most people--even heterosexual people--marry based on whom they are *attracted* to. Twelve years ago, I thought the best thing in life would be to brush my teeth in the nude with my then-boyfriend/now-husband.
I'm not down on marriage by any means. I just don't think people who are fighting for marriage realize what it *is*.
It's living with the same person and their same quirks year after year after bloody year. Amazingly, in 10 years, my husband *still* has not learned how to close a cupboard door when he's done with it. (I thought he would have learned that by now.)
It's having children and, in doing so, watching any time you might have enjoyed spending as a couple being used, instead for his-and-hers alone-time type tasks.
It's trying to remember all the cutesy things you did and said when you were dating and thinking "My gosh that was so long ago."
It's trying to remember why you even wanted to *get* married in the first place, anyway.
And it is loving your spouse through the weight gain, the wrinkles, the bad moods, the frustrations, the not being attracted to them anymore, the them not being attracted to you anymore, the open cupboard doors, the days where the children have left you curled up in a fetal position waiting for the men in white coats.
You marry them because of who they are. You marry them because of how they make you feel. You stay with them, most of the time, in spite of who they are. You stay with them in spite of how they make you feel.
But. I could just be cynical.
What is marriage to *you*?
Paige's Voice:
“Mawwage is what bwings us togwether today....”
Why does marriage matter? Why does anything really matter? If everyone could have a Ferrari or a castle, would anyone find them appealing? If what was available to only a few was granted to everyone, would it be as special or as important?
Originally, the purpose of marriage was to legally bind a man and a woman together for legal and property purposes, as well as children and wealth. Love didn’t come into play in many marriages – in several countries marriages are still arranged by parents or family for the purpose of lineage or financial advantages.
Not everyone could marry; but it wasn’t reserved just for wealthy or royals, either. The Act of Marriage was a privilege sanctified by the laws of God and legalized by the laws of man. Contracts were drawn up, vows were made, papers were signed, and witnesses were required. Even elopements had regulations that were followed.
So why do we romanticize marriage so much in modern day society? Today marriage seems to be all about “love”. I love this person, so the natural progression is to marry and have kids (although, sadly not always in that order). But is marriage just about love; that gooey feeling that causes stars in your eyes and butterflies in your stomach? What happens, when that gooey feeling goes away?
In the news (if you Google “Strange Marriages”) you’ll find people – humans – who have married: The Eiffel Tower, Himself, The Berlin Wall, A DS Game Character, a Fairground Ride, a dead ex-boyfriend, a pillow, a snake…. And the list goes on and on. So, what was the reason they married these things? They had formed an attachment to the item and felt attracted to remain with them forever. (I’m not going to necessarily touch on the physical aspect of these relationships). There was no intent, desire or possibility of having children with their new spouse. There was no need to leave an estate or worldly possessions to that spouse – although I do know that people have left millions to their living animals – but they didn’t marry them to do so.
Marriage is about more that the dating relationship; it’s a lifelong commitment to that other person. To be a better person by being with them, caring for them, staying with them, loving them when neither of you deserved to be loved. It’s about more than children – many couples don’t have children in their marriages and stay married forever.
Marriage should be the give and take of everyday life. Getting up in the morning because you’re the morning person, while your spouse is not; finishing the argument (or letting it go) because it’s really important to the other person. Standing up for each other regardless of what the parents, kids or friends say. Marriage is a lifetime commitment. Yes, I have friends that are divorced; and yes, there are valid reasons for divorce; but that’s not this post.
Marriage has been in the news because it’s been declared a right of all – not just for one man and one woman, but for any consenting adult that chooses to marry another consenting adult. Those that oppose changing the description of marriage as being “between one man and one woman” are called religious extremists, haters, bigots, homophobes. People who are in favor of changing the face of marriage forever are said to be people just fighting for their rights and equality.
If marriage is such an important entitlement, then I agree that everyone should be allowed to marry whomever they choose. But that leads our country and our people down the banks to a very slippery slope of legal questions and rules. As I see it, if we re-define marriage to include anyone who has a whim to marry, then the laws must be changed regarding gender, age and plurality of marriage. If marriage is no longer confined to one man and one woman (it IS STILL illegal in the United States to be a polygamist), then marriage will become available to all. The consenting age would need to be changed to reflect the maturity age of a person, not just the chronological age on the cake. And, as referenced in my opening paragraphs, who is to say that the pillow or the deceased boyfriend didn’t consent to the marriage anymore than marrying one’s goat or tractor?
The problem with equality is that not everyone is equal. Not everyone has the same body or thoughts or beliefs or abilities. Legalizing marriage for every person would do more than just damage the ‘sanctity’ of marriage, change the layout of the family and bring equality to minority groups. It would completely destroy the necessity of marriage.
So, I ask again, if everyone can do it, then why would anyone want to?
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